5. Incest, Corpses, and Jesus
What Do Incest, An Embalmed Corpse, And The Baby Jesus Have In Common? Most people know that, according to the Bible, the magi brought myrrh as a gift to the infant Jesus, along with gold and frankincense. Some people also know that myrrh (dried tree sap) was used as an embalming ointment or as incense for funerals and cremations (to mask the smells). Few people know that, according to Ovid’s Metamorphoses, myrrh trees originated as a result of Myrrha’s lust for her father, Cinyras. With the connivance of her nursemaid, Myrrha repeatedly had sex with her unsuspecting father. When her father realized Myrrha’s identity and that he had been boinking his daughter, he attempted to kill her but she escaped. The gods took pity on her and to release her from her shame, turned her into a myrrh tree. Presumably the Magi did not think to include a gift receipt so that Jesus could return the myrrh, which then became the First Unwanted Christmas Present.
4. Uncle Poop
One of the more unusual bearers of Christmas presents, with a unique delivery method, is the Caga tió (pooping uncle or, in this case, pooping tree trunk). Found in the Catalonia region, it consists of a hollow log. Beginning at the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, the family “feeds” the tio and covers him with a warm blanket each night. Then, at Christmas, the family gathers together, sings songs, puts the tio partly into the fire and beats it with sticks, until it excretes presents of candy, nuts or figs. When the tio is finished pooping it signals this by dropping salted herring, a head of garlic, an onion, or by “urinating”, whereupon the entire log is burned. This is where the expression “If you don’t give me a present I’ll beat the crap out of you” originated.
3. Wassailing
Wassailing sounds like such an innocuous, wholesome tradition, knocking on doors, singing a few songs, and perhaps being offered a warm drink or cookies. The original wassailers, however, were more aggressive, and would invade a home, demanding food, drink or money from the homeowners, and refusing to leave until they received their “recompense”. If forcibly ejected they would curse, threaten and sometimes vandalize the property of their “hosts”. Think of some of the later verses from We Wish You a Merry Christmas: “Now bring us some figgy pudding…. we won’t go until we get some.” If you are ever the victim of a home invasion you could probably lighten the mood by pointing out the similarity between your attackers and people who sing “Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la-la-la”
2. Mari Lwyd
The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used To Be. The Mari Lwyd is a horse’s skull, decorated with bells and ribbons, which is set on a stick and carried by an operator hidden under a white sheet. The eye sockets are often filled with green glass and the jaw may be spring-loaded so that the Mari can “snap” at passers-by. She is to be found in Southeast Wales around the Christmas season, particularly at New Year’s. The Mari and her male companions attempt to enter households or pubs via a contest where they would trade insults with the householders via song (apparently an early precursor to rap contests). If the Mari and her male friends won, they would enter and obtain food and drink. The Mari particularly enjoys this because, as the men get drunker and drunker, the Mari begins to appear prettier, younger, thinner, and less dead to them.
1. Castrations and a Cross
Leo V became Byzantine Emperor in 813 after forcing the abdication of Michael I, whereupon Leo had Michael’s sons castrated. On Christmas Day in 820, Leo was praying alone in front of the altar of Hagia Sophia. A group of conspirators, disguised as priests and monks, and led by Michael the Amorian (no relation to Michael I), entered and drew their daggers to assassinate Leo. Unarmed and alone, Leo tried to defend himself with an incense burner in one hand and a large wooden cross in the other. After an hour he succumbed to his injuries, Michael was immediately declared Emperor, and Leo’s four sons were castrated. This was not the origin of Christmas tree balls, fortunately.
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